The Neville Longbottom Potion Incident
by Vaako
Summary: Neville accidently creates a fuming-green-pudding of a potion. Intrigued Snape takes it to his office to study it. Shut in that non-ventillated room he gets high. Really high. Things turn ugly.


The Neville Longbottom Potion Incident

Severus usually tried to keep an eye on a dangerously terrible student like Neville Longbottom; the boy was promising to be a blight on his good record. He'd never had a student fail themselves so spectacularly as this one beyond-idiotic boy.

"Uhh…! P-P-Professor Snape…?"

He had to admit, it must have taken a lot of guts for the cowardly Griffindor to speak up… but he couldn't keep an eye on him forever, not when he had such talented students in this class too, students like his godson Draco, or that irritating Granger. It would be unfair to refuse others his time because Longbottom might get a booboo.

"P-Professor Snape!"

This was his reasoning, as he ignored Longbottom's increasingly desperate cries for help, and instead continued to show Draco and Miss Parkinson how to slice the dandelion-frog correctly.

But soon more voices, from both sides of the classroom were joining with that of the lack-wit and Severus had no choice but to turn and-

"Great Slytherin!"

He got a mouthful of curling smoke, breathing it deep into his lungs before he could help himself.

Longbottom's potion was bubbling – he could hear it – he couldn't see it, not through this haze of smog. Students were stumbling out of pulsing white clouds of vapour, grinning widely. As if the ruination of a simple potion was a funny thing.

It wasn't funny at all. In fact it was potentially dangerous. He drew his wand and performed a bubblehead charm, "All students into the hall! Zabini fetch Madame Pomfrey at once."

"Yes, Professor."

As teenagers streamed out of the smoky room he approached the cauldron warily. Inside was a viscous green pudding of a potion, instead of the light frothy purple champagne of a potion there should be.

Severus was almost impressed despite himself.

"Only Longbottom," he mused, opening one of the rarely used and almost forgotten windows. The air became clear and he cancelled his bubblehead charm, levitating the potion into his office and shutting the door. He heard voices in the hall.

He poked his head out, "Ah, Poppy. I trust Longbottom hasn't killed us all?"

"Oh no, Professor Snape," replied Madame Pomfrey a bit startled by his familiarity in front of students. "I detect no harmful reactions, still it would be best to come in for a check-up should any of you feel at all unusual."

"Hmm…" Severus leaned casually in the doorway, surveying the students. "I think it would be best if we end this lesson early, you may continue on to Herbology-"

"Oh! I was supposed to inform you of a change in plans. This lesson is being doubled today."

There were groans from everyone, including Severus himself. He sighed heavily, "What happened?"

"Well you see the Giant Squid Tentacled Cactus has captured several students and is at this time still trying to consume them. So lessons are doubled until this unfortunate incident is over with." Poppy was smiling at him, he was squinting at her.

"Fine!" he blasted, flinging up his arms. In the back of his mind, he was wishing he'd tone it down a bit. "Students return in twenty minutes, give the room time to clear."

As the students left, Poppy remained, "Severus… are you sure you're quite alright?"

"I, am quite fine," as he spoke he tried to find a more comfortable position against the doorframe, almost slipping off completely. Suddenly embarrassed and impatient he turned and slammed the door behind him.

Now to see just what that idiot boy had done to cause this mess. He'd have to give him detention with Filch. Opening his office door he saw the room wasn't too smoggy. Taken from the flame, the potion had settled to a simmer.

He shut himself in his office and threw himself into his chair, kicking his feet up precariously close to the potion.

"Oops," he murmured a beat too late.

He felt lazy, but he had work to do. He sat forward, fingers steepled before him. Time to get some work done. Investigating and potions, two of his favourite things. His dipped his wand in the potion languidly and stirred at it.

When he realised what he was doing, he pulled his wand from the cauldron with a flick, steaming green sludge flying over paper-work, over the walls, over his face.

For a second he thought he might actually lose it. He clenched his fists and gurned, convinced he was about to go off and find, and then strangle Neville Longbottom. He took a few deep breathes, wiped his face clean and pulled out some parchment. Notes. He needed to take some notes on this atrocity before him. Nice calming notes.

How long he sat there, quill in hand, smiling as he watched the curls of smoke, he did not know. But when he realised what he was doing, he dropped the quill and turned in his chair to get a better view of the merry vapour. It floated languidly about his almost-a-cupboard office. When he saw it curl about a jar of Jigglypuff eyes on his shelf he stood abruptly. Knocking his knees against his desk, and his chair against the wall. Usually he took the extra time to swivel his chair around and squeeze past, but for some reason today he did not have time. He could not look away from those dull, pickled eyes. He couldn't take the time to go around, he was restless – he was impatient.

Before he knew it he was clambering onto his desk, narrowly missing Neville's potion. Narrowly missing a candle too, narrowly missing hitting his head on the ceiling for that matter, and so he had to crouch like a-

Like a… Like a ninja.

He _was_ a ninja.

He stood on the table a little longer, crouched, skinny thighs trembling from the exertion – this was more exercise than he normally got- breathing heavily, breathing…in more fumes.

His eyes caught on the jar again, the reason for this impromptu adventure. It was a common enough ingredient, and he felt sorry for the creature they came from – for all these eyes came from that same thirty-seven eyed Jigglypuff. Ugly thing… but he had an idea.

He was going to charm these eyes to look at you when you approached. It was brilliant, bordering on genius.

But wait what was that noise outside in the hall? He hastily cast the charm, and paused to listen. Surely the students were still at break? Had twenty minutes passed already? How long had he been crouched on this table? And more importantly… where were his shoes?!

He attempted to crouch his way into the classroom. He didn't get far, so he dropped to all fours and crawled. He forgot where he was going and ended up by the windows instead of the door, where he had intended to listen.

The windows were still shuttered. The shutters were moving with the breeze. He stood abruptly and had to stand on the work tables to peer out – the windows being at ground-level, the classroom below. Severus glanced suspiciously about and peered through the shutters.

"ARGH!" the light was blinding, "Hisssss!" he hissed, squinting for the millionth time, trying to see the greenhouses in the distance and there – there he saw it!

It was but a glimpse but there was Professor Sprout, performing impressive backflips to avoid the flailing limbs of the dreaded Great Squid Tentacled Cactus. And there, children screaming in its grips, legs and arms waving as if to say, "Save me! Save me first!"

He said that out loud.

He was briefly intensely interested, but not for a second did the thought to do more that watch cross his mind.

A cough behind him mad him drop the shutter and clamber from the table. The light of day had ruined his dungeon-sight and he blinked rapidly at the intruder.

"Professor….?"

He blinked some more and rubbed his eyes, why… it couldn't be!

"Professor?"

That mocking tone!

"Professor Snape?"

"…Potter…"

"Yes… Professor are-"

"My arch-nemesis has returned to torment me," continued Severus, his voice flat.

Someone else spoke up, "Harry, he's gone round the bend!"

Severus's head snapped to the newcomer, eyesight restored, "Weasely?!" he screamed. He was returning to the present. He looked behind the ginger-haired boy and rage consumed him at what he saw there, the fuzzy-haired -"Granger?!"

The girl looked comically shocked and he wanted to cackle, but movement caught his eye, and there – there _creeping out of the room_ like a clumsy fat oaf he was, was, was –

"And that awful Long-Bum boy?!" Severus shrieked, and then he shrieked again, wordlessly, almost frothing at the mouth in his incandescent rage.

"Why are you here? All of you? Have you come to do me in? Have you? Have you come to do me in? Have you? Is that what this is about? Is it?" he turned from one to the other, his face pulled into a grimace or a smile, as he repeated "Is it? Is it? Is it?"

"Professor…?"

"Potter."

"Yes, Professor… Um… we're here for the lesson. You said we all had to come back. We're a little early, maybe..."

Severus almost pulled his hair out as he writhed in confusion, "What are you talking about, YOU IDIOT BOY?!"

Potter actually seemed cowed, cringing back. Granger stepped forwards in his stead. Maybe she would speak sense. But no, she carried on in that same uncertain way.

"Um, the err... the Herbology accident is still… on-going ... um, we were supposed to have another potions lesson."

"Ah, yes. It is all coming back to me," and it was. He wandered to the shutters, climbed onto a table and peered out. "Accursed LIGHT!" he shut the blinds, and then the curtains and sequestered himself at his desk. "Yes, I remember. The tentacled beast. Most entertaining. For about a second. But enough. You will be seated."

They sat in silence as they waited for the rest of the class to turn up. Severus entertained himself by staring at his hand, flexing it; feeling in turns repulsed and strangely enlightened, "I see, I see!"

The four Gryffindor's shared glances and whispered as the other students filed in. When Severus looked up from his hand, he was surprised to see them all there. Very surprised. And very angry.

Standing in front of the class, he bellowed, "What _are_ YOU DOING HERE?! I JUST _GAVE_ YOU YOUR LESSON, BRATS! WHAT, YOU THINK I _WANT_ TO SEE YOU'RE FACES AGAIN? WELL _I DON'T_… Ah yes, the tentacle beast, be seated."

As he marched back and forth in front of them, he noticed that many were looking at the ceiling. He glanced up there and saw the soot-blackened ceiling he always saw. Then he noticed a select few were staring, mute with horror at… his crotch?! He looked down.

"Where are my TROUSERS?!" he spun to Potter, the obvious culprit. "Oh, ohoho, funny man, are we? Big, funny, man?" he marched towards Potter and stood in front of him.

Potter was staring at his legs, unable to look away, his faced frozen in the characteristic death-grimace of a murder-victim. Yes, Severus knew his legs were hairy beyond normal conventions. He was called the wolf-baby when he was born, after all. Still the expression on the teenagers face irked him.

"One day, you'll have legs as hairy as this, Potter. You're as dark as me. Look at that crazy hair of yours. Your legs will never see the light of day again past thirty. Like thousands of small, black spiders crawling up your legs, aiming for sensitive places. And don't get me started on the gorilla back you'll be sporting."

"Noo..." Potter said quietly. Severus noticed a queasy looking Weasly edging away and struck, "And your hair will crawl off the top of your head and DIE."

He then marched back to his desk. He had a headache ad was starting to feel … like he was doing something he'd regret very soon. "What am I doing, again?" he asked the class. No one answered. He looked to Draco, but the boy was just about blue in the face, eyes stretched wide and fixed on him in horror, hands clasped over his mouth.

He couldn't leave the boy like that. It was his job to look out for him. He dragged a stool towards his godsons table. Draco was shaking his head frantically. Severus ignored him.

"What's up?" he asked him, placing one foot on the stool, and leaning on his knee in what he assumed was a fatherly, or councillorly position.

Maybe it was. But what Severus did not realise is that without trousers it was downright obscene. Draco shook his head again, utterly wordless, and Severus walked back to his desk, scratching his stomach. He wandered into his backroom for his lesson planner and got another good lungful of cooped-up potion, and sprung back out immediately.

The potion had evidently become stronger.

"Wah-hey!" he yelled, "Wah-hey!" Then he did a little squat-dance and puked a little. "Urgh," he dragged himself to his desk, followed by giggling. Looking out at a sea of black faces, he was reminded that he was teaching, "Get on with it, then." No one moved. He sighed regretfully, combing through his hair with his fingers.

And then Longbum caught his eye.

"Hey," he whispered, "Hey Longbum. Longbum. Longbum. Hey, hey, hey, Longbum. Long bum. Long Bum. LONG BUM." Neville finally, shakily, nervously, walked up to the desk, looking about at his classmates. No one met his eye.

Snape grinned, "Go get me some Jigglypuff eyes from my office, not the ingredients cupboard."

"Okay, sir."

There was no scream, which infuriated Severus. But when he saw that Neville had brought the wrong ones, he sent him back until he screamed. And screamed and screamed. Neville exited the office, stood heaving for a moment, and then fled the classroom as well. Severus laughed himself sick, again, and doodled for the rest of the lesson, twirling his hair and singing to himself.

Then napping.

The class eventually had to creep out, scared of what antics might be next.

Someone, probably Potter informed Professor Dumbledore of what had been happening because it wasn't soon after the class had cleared that the old Headmaster stood in the doorway, tsking sadly at what he saw.

Severus was by now _completely_ naked.

"Where are your clothes, Severus? Can you hear me?"

"Where are _your _clothes?"

"Are they in your office?"

"Are they in _your_ office?"

Lips thin, Dumbledore stepped into the office, coughing as clouds of smoke engulfed him. He was not seen for a full three minutes.

"Oh, Severus," came his mournful voice from the office.

Severus looked up from his hand, recognising the serious tone even in his current state, "Yus?"

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"YADOOBLYDOOBLYDOOBY!" shrieked Dumbledore, leaping naked through the doorway

THE END?

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A/N: Hiya. I know it doesn't work this way but I saw a promt that went something like "Professor Snape gets high of a potion by accident" and my mind wouldn't let it go - but I don't know where it came from! I can't remember at all, lol... Anyway, I hope someone found this funny, I certainly enjoyed writing it!


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